C is for Condorman (1981)
When Disney purchased Marvel Entertainment in August 2009 it wasn’t their first foray into superhero movies. No, rewind back to 1981 and there you will find, Condorman. It was a film that I watched countless times as a child, even to the extent that my family actually used to quote lines of dialogue from it to one another. It wasn’t as rife with quotable sound bites as say, Crocodile Dundee, which followed five years later and was another family favourite, but it engrained itself enough into our collective subconscious for it to be remembered with fondness. During those initial viewings I was no doubt impressed by the action set pieces which, on revisiting the film, the rest of the story seems to be built around. In retrospect it is quite a ludicrous premise, and all in all a bit of a silly film, but then, when you think about it, how is a man dressed as a bat any less ridiculous than one dressed as a condor?
The film tells the story of Woody Wilkins, a comic book writer, who believes that, if he can’t do the things he writes about in reality, then his characters shouldn’t be able to do them in his comics. His reasoning for this is that his readers would be able to tell if he was faking it, which, firstly, is probably putting more faith in his readership than he probably should be and, secondly, makes me think thank god he isn’t writing Wolverine or Punisher comic books! We meet him as he is about to glide off the Eiffel Tower, decked head to toe in his condor gear. His attempt to fly off the national monument however, meets with failure and he ends up in the drink after a wing malfunction (we can only assume that Condorman didn’t fly in that month’s edition of the comic). Woody mentions that he also writes and publishes comics called Gopher Boy and Bazooka Boy, so it would be interesting to know if he lives vicariously through these guises too.
Michael Crawford, of Some Mothers Do Have ‘Em fame, plays the hero of the title, wielding a faux American accent that isn’t always as convincing as it could be. He is likeable enough though, exuding a childlike innocence which doesn’t hurt the character, although his jumping off buildings and constant narration of his actions lead you to believe that Woody isn’t quite the full ticket . I would love to have been a fly on the wall in the casting meeting when he was picked for the role, if only to witness the decision making process involved in the executives deciding that he was the one true Condorman. The movie opens with a cartoon rendition of the superhero flying around Paris, complete with his own catchy theme tune that involves the constant repetition of his chosen moniker. Perhaps if the film had done really well a cartoon version of the character might have appeared on the small screen, or maybe more. It didn’t.
Woody’s best friend, Harry, played by Teen Wolf’s dad, is in the CIA and enrols Woody in a mission that entails a civilian exchange of documents in Istanbul. The origins to Woody and Harry’s friendship are not revealed and Harry’s purpose merely serves to wrangle Woody into the life of a spy, a role he is only too happy to play up to. Donning a trenchcoat and a corny Bogart impression, Woody heads to Istanbul and meets Natalia, a Russian beauty with whom he is immediately smitten. She, unbelievably, seems to return his affections, despite him behaving like a goofy clutz throughout their rendezvous, falling over, ordering a triple Istanbul Express and breathing fire and topping it off by telling her that his codename is Condorman. Their meeting/date concludes with a group of men hassling Natalia, and Woody demonstrating that Condorman’s particular brand of heroics is akin to his sitcom character, Frank Spencer, on crack.
Both then return to their homesteads, Woody to his comic book offices where he recreates Natalia on the page as Laser Lady (to almost stalkerish effect, I might add), and Natalia to her loveless relationship with the big bad of the flick, Sergei Krokov. Krokov, played by Oliver Reed, also not speaking in his native accent, is a menacing man full of evil intentions and physically unable to crack a smile. Natalia, feeling trapped and obviously tired of the laugh a minute hijinks of her current beau, decides it is time to defect and asks the CIA if she can be extracted by the only spy she knows: Condorman. Woody, who is reluctant at first, having only been given the name, the Bear, as the the agent who wants to be extracted, agrees once he realises that the Bear and Natalia are one and the same. However, he has some requests before he is able to step up to the plate.
The CIA agree to Woody’s demands and he finds himself in Yugoslavia dressed as an old gypsy man to meet the Bear, also dressed in a similar disguise. Their façade lasts for about two minutes however, and they are soon attacked by some of Krokov’s men, who Woody sees off with his ‘trusty cane’, a walking stick that also acts as a gun. The pair then jump into Woody’s gypsy wagon, which after further pursuit by Krokov’s henchmen turns into the Condormobile. The lead antagonist in this scene is Morovich, Krokov’s best agent, whose threatening nature is exemplified by having one silver eye. At one point, Morovich drives through a village with his fleet of black cars and the whole village runs into their homes and locks the doors. It is never explained why he commands such fear over these people and is probably best left unexplained in a family film. A car chase follows, which on my original viewings always seemed quite epic, but after having seen Vanishing Point, Death Proof and Mad Max Fury Road in the meantime, it now pales in comparison. The Condormobile is not unlike Knight Rider with all its buttons and gadgets and, despite no prior experience with the vehicle, Woody uses it to great effect in fending off Morvich’s men, who Natalia describes as ‘superb drivers, each one a dedicated killer’. You start to wonder at this point why Natalia is so important to either side, the CIA have willingly funded a whole series of gizmos and placed them in the hands of an incompetent to aid in her extraction, and Krokov is willing to risk the lives of his best men and a whole arsenal of vehicles to get her back. Suspension of disbelief is key in movies but this really does stretch its limits.
I can’t help but wonder if the Condormobile still exists somewhere. It may never have matched the Ecto 1 or the Batmobile in the iconic movie car stakes, but it would be interesting to know whether it is parked in the dusty old garage of an eccentric collector. The chase ends with the car turning into a hovercraft and skimming off across the sea, adding further cost to the budget of Woody’s mission and further fuel to the furnace of Krokov’s mounting anger.
In Italy, the couple are arrested and then rescued by Harry in disguise. Harry references Hannibal Smith during his rescue and I was never sure, and am still not entirely sure, whether this was referencing the leader of the A-Team. Both were eighties properties so it is possible, although the TV show followed two years after the film which somewhat puts the kibosh on that theory. Some further research is perhaps needed on my part.
Now a trio, our heroes make their way to an Alpine ski lodge to hide out and mount the next part of the plan. It is here that Natalia discovers Woody is nothing but a lowly comic book writer, the game being given away by a bunch of youths who show her a Laser Lady comic. How Woody has had time to write, draw and put out a comic whilst he has been traversing the globe is not explained but, again we have to remember, this is the movies. Krokov also deduces Woody’s next move through reading one of his comic books, which suggests that Woody also possesses a prophetic power which enables him to write about things that haven’t even happened to him yet. Condors are possibly renowned for their soothsaying abilities, again I would need to research this further.
Leaving the ski lodge, the gang next jet rocket up the mountain, adding more zeroes to the inexhaustible amount of money poured into the operation when a ski lift probably would have sufficed. This seems like a missed opportunity for a condor-themed ski chase down the mountain but the budget of the film might have been stretched to its limits by this point. Krokov, having used Woody’s comics against him, recaptures Natalia, his designs on what he is going to do to her are never made completely clear, but this being a family film maybe that is for the best.
Our hero’s journey concludes in Monte Carlo, where he and Harry infilitrate Krokov’s stronghold dressed as sheiks. Again, no expense is spared to maintain their disguise and they are granted a whole fleet of expensive vehicles and an entourage to boot. Added to this are some rigged explosives and a brand spanking new condor suit, which doesn’t look too dissimilar to the Birdman costume, although Alejandro Inarritu has never cited the film as an influence to my knowledge. Woody and Natalia glide to the harbour to meet up with Harry to top things off with a speed boat chase (Condor helmet: check) complete with laser guns. It is here where the bad guys bite the big one, Krokov is left thrashing around in the ocean and more questions are raised, such as where did Woody learn to shoot? Where are the authorities? Why did Krokov have missile mounted speedboats on standby?
Woody, Natalia and Harry, having won the day, return to the US of A to enjoy a baseball game and to be told that the CIA have more missions in the pipleine for Condorman. Unfortunately, Nick Fury doesn’t turn up to recruit Woody into the Avengers, not even the David Hasselhoff version of the character, but, who knows, maybe Marvel will induct him into the ranks when the well of their other characters starts to dry up.
Condorman was a beloved film from my youth but, as you can probably tell from my words, it doesn’t quite hold up now that I am in my mid-thirties. That’s not to say it is not without its charm and it is still fun to watch. The special effects are comparable based on what the budget of the movie probably was, and it tries its best to keep the audience entertained throughout. Upon watching it again it is clear why it is not as widely remembered as other films of the era but it is definitely representative of the decade of its origin.
Next time, I revisit the Grandad of action movies, D is for…..
Delirium Tremendous 